[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
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20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
My favorite female superhero
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.