If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
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sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Previously On Persistence 😎
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window