I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
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Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF