The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
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Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership