Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
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*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him