gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
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Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?