I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
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My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Coffee is ready.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*