I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
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I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.