Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
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Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
time machine? you mean a clock?
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans