Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
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Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Don’t make me out nice you.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I love twitter
Beware…..
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”