Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
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Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*