Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
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When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…