Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
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I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
ugh not again
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet