My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
You Might Also Like
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
“A little help here, Danny?”
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce