What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
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Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I am HOWLING at this
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”