I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
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Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”