Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
You Might Also Like
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Got ya covered
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Erm I’m gonna say no
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…