You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
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Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
#Caturday
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Never ghost your hitman.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.