What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
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15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.