You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
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I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
he’s doing your taxes
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.