*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
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*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.