Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
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Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…