Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
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I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.