Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
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ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
what’s really going on
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.