My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
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I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.