It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
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I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
yes… yes…
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.