Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
You Might Also Like
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
😎 🍻
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..