Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
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In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.