“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
You Might Also Like
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
My neck, my back, my…
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Not all heroes wear capes.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.