Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
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My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…