I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
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I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.