What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
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A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Oceanography is all about current events
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
#Caturday
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I am patiently waiting for your email
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.