Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
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I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
2022 will be better than 2021
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”