You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
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[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
When a shoelace touches your ankle
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Whoa 😂