If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
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Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
me refusing to leave twitter
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Rambo Rambow
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
🤣
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on