*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
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CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
anyone else like Italian cereal
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
The point of your 20s
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
my dog when i have a friend over
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.