My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
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Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone