*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
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It’s been a terrible year for burglars
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
The devil.