TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
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If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.