[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
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me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵