a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
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*looks at you in batman voice*
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something