Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
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Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.