Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
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My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Can. I. Help. You.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”