My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
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“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.