“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
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Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster