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I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
My love language is hissing.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase