God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
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Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*