Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
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her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Flowers bee like
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes: