When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
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Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
sir, my pâté if you please
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
my retirement plan is braless
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I don’t get marriage
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat