Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring